Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The Next day he received a hundred letters that all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
* Jackie Mason
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Many say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
Why do brides wear white at the wedding?
So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice
cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."