Some Jokes From DonaldChase.com
Sent on: Tuesday, October 08, 2002
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I'M GIVING AWAY $50 ON SATURDAY
I've launched a new Post Card website that I'm selling on eBay. Obviously, sites that are more popular and have more traffic sell better than those that do not, and in order to bring traffic to this site, I'm holding a very simple contest:
"SEND A CARD FROM THE SITE AND BE ENTERED INTO A DRAWING TO WIN $50 CASH!!!!!"
All you have to do is click this link - http://www.CardHugs.com - click POSTCARDS on the top of the page and send a postcard to a friend. On Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (my time - EST), I will randomly pick one email address out of those that have sent a card - and I WILL EMAIL THEM INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW I'LL SEND THEM THE FIFTY BIG ONES!!!
BTW, if you are looking to launch your own website and want to purchase an easily-customized postcard site that includes a built-in poster store (with all inventory, shipping, and billing performed by AllPosters.com), please check out the auction on eBay at http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1775676428 .
NOW, HERE'S THE JOKES!
A PUPPY FOR THE KIDS
A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.
Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals."
In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.
The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.
However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright.
He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway."
"But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"
"Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."
BLONDE PAINTING THE PORCH
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished, "she told the surprised homeowner The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Al Gore was feeling depressed that people kept saying he was stupid for losing the election. So he calls his good friend Bill Clinton, who says, "Now Al, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
He calls Chelsea Clinton in and asks, "Chelsea, if your parents had a baby and it isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Chelsea Clinton replies, "It's me!"
So Gore calls up James Carville and says, "Jim, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Carville says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Carville calls Tom Daschle and says, "Tom, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Tom Daschle says, "It's me!"
So Carville calls Gore and says, "It's Tom Daschle."
And Gore says, "No, you idiot! It's Chelsea Clinton!"
For those of you in school...
TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
and the number one reason is ...
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
SOME QUICK ONE LINERS
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
How does a woman find her husband in the dark?
It ain't hard
"Last night I slept like an attorney. First, I'd lie on one side, then I'd lie on the other."
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush!!
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
Last year I got my wife a mother's day gift that left her speechless.
In fact, she didn't speak to me for three weeks.
Q. What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A. A circus is a massive array of cunning stunts.
SOME BLONDE Q AND As
Q. What do you call an eternity?
A. Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q. What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A. Oh look! Doughnut seeds.
Q. Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Because it said concentrate.
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Some of the titles include:
- "187 Satisfied Customers"
- "Wanna See My George BUSH" (you HAVE to see it)
- "Vegeterian? My cock is made of soy."
- "Tastes like chicken."
- "Free with the purchase of dinner."
These are absolutelty funny - you need to check them out!!!
Check them out at http://www.tshirthell.com/cgi-bin/affiliates/clickthru.cgi?id=donaldchase&page=http://www.tshirthell.com/underwearhell.htm and buy one to help support DonaldChase.com.
BACK TO THE JOKES
THE MIME AT THE ZOO
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
LITTLE JOHNNY WANTS TO PLAY DOCTOR
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum.
"Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."
Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
QUOTES FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
-- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
-- Casey Stengel, long time manager of the New York Yankees, while he subsequently was managing the hapless 1962 New York Mets
"I play football, I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
-- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
-- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
-- Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"20% of the time, I'm hitting to the left, 20% of the time to the right, and the other 80% I'm hitting the ball up the middle."
-- Former Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Steve Sax, describing where he hits the baseball
"A third of the crowd will be there to see me, a third will be there to see Billy [Martin], and the other two-thirds will be there to see the Yankees and the Athletics."
-- Baseball outfielder Rickey Henderson, speaking about his return to Oakland in a Yankee uniform, with Billy Martin managing the Yankees
"Our similarities are different."
-- Baseball infielder Dale Berra, son of former Yankee catcher Yogi Berra. Dale was asked to compare himself to his dad
"This is the greatest country in America."
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida Statefootball coach
"One of my players got 4 F's and a D and asked me for advice. I told him that he was spending too much time on one subject."
-- Abe Lemons, formerTexas basketball coach
SOME SIMPLE BASEBALL FANS
A Mets fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team.
As the climb gets higher, the wagers increase. Upon reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, "This is for the Mets!!!" and hurls himself off the top of the mountain.
Next the Braves fan yells, "I love Atlanta....This is for you Braves!!" and he, too, jumps off the top.
Suddenly, the Red Sox fan screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Yankee fan off.
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT...
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would be home from dates by 10:00pm
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include pickles and ice cream as their main entrees.
WOMEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD.
THANKS FROM DONALD CHASE
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