DonaldChase.com - Happy Friday the 13th
Sent on: Friday, September 13, 2002
Greetings and Salutations ....
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NOW, HERE'S THE JOKES!
Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guys, would you like a blow job?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've
been offered two jobs already!"
TOP 25 THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK...
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality & mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
QUICK BLONDE JOKES...
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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BACK TO THE JOKES
EXPLAINING CONDOM USE
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men.", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March..."
ENGINEERS VS. ACCOUNTANTS
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED???
Are you getting sick of people asking you why you're not married yet? Well, here are a few of my favorite answers:
"Why aren't you married yet....???"
-- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
-- What? And spoil my great sex life?
-- Nobody would believe me in white.
-- Because I just love hearing this question.
-- Just lucky, I guess.
-- It gives my mother something to live for.
-- My fiancé is awaiting parole.
-- I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
-- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
-- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
-- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
-- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
-- I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
-- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
-- We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
-- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
-- Why aren't you thin?
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
THANKS FROM DONALD CHASE
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