Happy New Years - Some Jokes From Joke-Pages.com
Sent on: Thursday, January 09, 2003
Happy New Year!
Thanks to those of you who dropped me a line to wish me and the site a happy new year. I hope 2002 was good to you and 2003 is even better.
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KEEP THOSE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
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ON TO THE JOKES...
This mailing's theme is law enforcement (other than the joke at the end, which I couldn't resist).
19 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
DRINKING AND DRIVING
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the drinking-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys into five different cars before his own. Then he sat in the front seat of his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
As this was happening, everyone else had left the bar. The police officer was just sitting and waiting for him. The officer was so excited to be stopping this drunk! He stopped the driver and read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He even offered medical assistance if he was ill.
The driver just smiled at him and said that all was fine. It's just that officer I must confess I was just the designated decoy for the evening!!!
DOING HIM A FAVOR
Two Canadians are driving in Texas. A Texas Ranger notices out of the country plates and turns on the lights and pulls them over.
Officer walks over to the car, the driver rolls down his window and the officer takes his billy club and whacks the driver on the back of the head.
The Canadian driver asks what that was for. The officer says, "This is Texas, boy, when you see these flashing lights to pull you over, you gets your insurance, license and registration ready, don't make me wait!"
The officer checks them out and returns the documents. Then the officer walks over to the other side of the car and taps his wand on the glass, the passenger rolls down his window and the officer whacks him in the head.
"What was that for", the Canadian Passenger asks.
"Boy, I just made your wishes come true," says the officer.
"What does that mean" asks the passenger. "Well, you boys are going to get five miles down the road and you're going to say, "Boy, I wish that cop had tried that with me!"
POLICE REPORT FUNNY QUOTES
The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.
I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
GETTING PULLED OVER
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, right. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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